as i write this...
...i'm at home with wills while lilly is in the ER with mindy trying to get uncontrollable puking from bronchitis as well as complications from her CF that at its pinnacle today was causing her to throw up blood along with mucus, under control. we are off to her Pulmonologist in Grand Rapids tomorrow unless they want to get her admitted tonight. from there, we will see what chest xrays & blood draws tell us. it could be something "easy" and it could be something "hard" to fight out of her lungs. tis' the season :(
the point of this post is not to be an alarmist. God is good and He will protect her in whatever fashion He sees fit. The point of this post is to, perhaps, reflect on the stirring in my soul right now for the brokenness of this world. it was always in moments like these... or when she is up ALL night coughing and wheezing for deep breaths that i (would) find this anger and frustration stirring in me. i used to think it was just because it was my own kid hurting... i have not so distant memories of being GENUINELY angry with God for not letting her breathe. pleading with Him for her to be able to sleep instead of cough so hard she would puke. i would be a liar to not admit my own cursing at God while holding her in my arms genuinely enraged at what i saw as suffering right in front of me. this all was coming at a time of INCREDIBLE spiritual immaturity and foolishness on what i thought God "owed" me. the reality was... i was stinkin' afraid. afraid of a situation i have/had no control over. afraid to trust that God, & His plan for my daughter in spite of her disease, was perfect and is His... not mine.
my feelings tonight are different. I have noticed this lately, but i maybe have been afraid to put it into words lest God would actually challenge me on it... but i'm not afraid tonight. scratch that... i am afraid... because i still hate seeing her hurt and suffer through all this crap. but i might say that for the first time in my life as a parent... i think i am actually willing to trust that God is sill, indeed, in control... because there is nothing i can discover, nothing that could happen, nothing that i would/ could/ will lose that will make Him anything less than the great God of the Universe. That's probably really cliche' sounding... but it is giving ME comfort tonight.
lilly & i talk often about the days that will come when we will be with Jesus. a place where simple breath will be perfect & deep. my prayer is that this will bring HER comfort tonight. a promise that it won't always be like this.
For He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Col. 1.17
Amen.
2 comments:
Hey Lane,
These times are tough. No doubt about it. And I commend you for having such sound faith in God. It is so easy just to blame God when we face adversity, but think of this as a way to minister to others. Just remember that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." (Proverbs 18:21) So speak life. Speak that she will fully heal in His timing. And WHEN Lily is healed, she will be a living testament to how miraculous God really is. Others will take notice of how she is completely healed, and it will be a way to show believers and non-believers alike that God still does miracles.
Keep in mind the verse,"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7) When we fear, we are feeding the Devil's pride. We are giving into the lies he tells us. When you fear the possible outcomes of Lilly's CF, you are giving the Devil authority in your life. Rebuke that junk. God knows what he's doing. It's his job. :)
I just felt called to respond to this blog after hearing about all that happened. I hope it helps in some way. And hey man, I'm praying for you guys.
- Loren
Lane, Keeping Lilly in our prayers, Hang in there. . . Your comments here remind me of Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” I can't help but think that the testimonies about Uncle Dave at his memorial service are helping you find "perfect peace" in this challenging time as well as the challenging times ahead. Praise God that Lilly has wonderful parents that are teaching her the truths about God and who he is. Love you guys. If you need anything while you are in GR, Let Cherese and I know. Cherese says you can stop by if you need to, or if Wills needs a break from the doctor's if it ends up being a longer appointment.
-Dan
Post a Comment